


Nothing's changed

by Zauzat



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: Depressing, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-30
Updated: 2012-09-30
Packaged: 2017-11-15 09:17:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/525699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zauzat/pseuds/Zauzat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for this prompt: When Martin wasn't paid by MJN, his life was simple; he'd work to exhaustion just to break even, find sleep relatively easily, and repeat the process. Now that he's paid, he doesn't have to work himself to the bone, but he has more time to reflect before he sleeps. He finds himself to be very self-deprecating and very, very lonely.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing's changed

The thing is, Martin expected things to get better once he got paid. But now, as he lies in the darkness staring at the ceiling, he realises he's been doing this all his life. Telling himself this. Chasing after a future where things will be different.

It'll get better once he's out of school. It'll get better once he gets his CPL. It'll get better once he makes captain. It'll get better once he's paid.

And now he has it all, adult, pilot, captain, paid professional. So this is it. This is what he's worked for all these years, this is the rest of his life. And nothing's changed.

Carolyn and Douglas are as patronisingly dismissive of him as ever. Arthur is as undiscriminatingly cheery. The rest of the airfield staff ignore him pretty much as they always have. His student house-mates continue to live a life parallel to his that largely excludes him. Yes, he doesn't have to hump furniture any more, there's more food in his part of the cupboard and more money in his bank account. But bizarrely he rather misses his man-with-a-van job.

It kept him busy during the day and tired enough to fall asleep at night. And there was more validation in it than he'd realised, the satisfaction of a load in its new place, the cash placed in his hand, the smile of a happpy customer. He doesn't actually get much of that from flying.

He'd thought everyone's respect for him as a professional would increase once he got paid. But why would it? Unless he told people, they all thought he was getting paid already. If he tells them now, they'll just think he was a loser before. Nothings's changed.

So it's not the money, or the job, or the qualification. It's him. The thing wrong with his life is him. And that's the one thing he can't get away from. The pathetic loser who can't make friends, can't interest women, can't impress clients or his fellow pilots.

He's more self-aware than people might realise, he hears himself stuttering and stammering, hears himself in all his brittle pride and prissy self-importance, and he cringes inside. He'd thought being a pilot, being a captain, being paid would change that, but now he knows it won't. Nothing will change it. It's not the world that's wrong, it's him. And now the rest of his life stretches before him. Just like this.

Nothing's changed. _Nothing's changed._

He buries his face in the pillow and tries not to cry.


End file.
